A Time of Thanks and Giving

I’ve been feeling a sense of urgency lately.  The feeling keeps getting confirmed via different sources.  Even our pastor’s sermon yesterday was about living our lives as if it were the last two minutes in the game.  It seems football players focus and play harder in those last minutes than they do the rest of the game.  I guess having my friend JaRon die recently helps put things in perspective.  Like, what am I doing with my life that matters, anyway?  I’m on this weekly routine that just wears me out, but then I tell myself the purpose of my life right now is to raise Kaleb, and his life requires routine.  I have a feeling I should be doing more for God or others or even myself, but then I bounce back with the idea that even if all I do outside the routine is scrub toilets, and I do it with a thankful heart, then I am doing it for God since it’s an act of service to others.  I was in this weird place even before Saturday, when we found out Kory has angina pain again, which is NOT a good sign.

I know God allows us to go through these “refining fires” just to see how we come out on the other end.  I hope I pass this test because there is nothing I can do about Kory’s heart but pray and trust God for the outcome, even if it means by-pass surgery is in the near future.  Whatever I need to get through this, God will provide, I’m certain of that, as I’ve seen just how His grace has sustained JaRon’s family after she died.  We had a great Thanksgiving with them all and it wasn’t sad one little bit.  Life goes on and we are just thankful for the time we get with those we love, even if it is shorter than what we would like. 

At our home fellowship group last night I asked a question that I really intended just for myself – “What Christmas present am I giving God this year?”  What does He need or want?  Does He want us to share the gospel?, encourage a believer?, spend time alone with Him?, be nice to a stranger?  All gifts we give each other are just symbolic and temporary, but what we give to God is eternal.  I don’t want to miss out on giving as many gifts as I can, so if I don’t get all the presents wrapped, or any Christmas baking done, or even if the Christmas cards don’t make it in the mail on time, it’s okay with me, if the reason is because I was busy giving gifts that matter.  I’m playing in the last two minutes of the game, and love always wins out.

Sad, Sad, Sad.

My friend, JaRon Snow died last Wednesday.  She was my age, mother of three, wife of a godly man and the only child of our beloved Grammy J.  There really is no way to make sense out of it, even though we saw it coming.  Cancer is an ugly thing, and it has taken yet another one of my dear friends.  I hate that she had to suffer and I wonder if that isn't God's way of making it easier to say goodbye, because we all wanted her to be free from the pain.

Her family is doing about as well as any family can be doing at such a time as this.  I stepped into my get-it-done role and offered to write her eulogy, gather old photos and turn it into a slide show production.  I've been consumed for days on end with this process and thanks to other very skilled friends, it's now done.  They are techno geniuses and I couldn't have done it without them.  It's a tribute that captures her essence and portraits her life in a very down to earth way.  I'm proud of it, even though I would do a thousand things differently if I had time to do it over again.  At some point we just have to move on and say it's the best we can do, given the circumstances.

We've spent the last ten years worth of Thanksgivings with the Snows around our dining room table.  I'm not sure what this year will bring, but we must be thankful nonetheless.  We can be thankful that someday we will join her in heaven, we can be thankful that God gave her 12 years in which to raise her kids after her initial diagnosis of breast cancer, before it spread into her bones.  We can be thankful we were part of her life and she a part of ours.  But it won't be the same, this Thanksgiving, or any that follow.  My heart just aches.

I haven't done a good job of maintaining normal life this past week.  We've all been a little off.  Kaleb has been doing nothing but math for ten days straight, trying to finish up his Johns Hopkins math class before his time expired last Saturday.  I offered him a profit sharing bonus if he was able to complete it, as it would have cost nearly seven hundred dollars to finish it if he didn't meet the deadline, so he's been doing math night and day and finished an entire half of the 3 month course in just one week.  It was material he already knew, but he needed to review it before he went on to Honors Algebra.  The course was set up so that he had to do all the exercises before he could take the chapter tests, so he had a lot of calculations to figure out and he got pretty rummy there toward the end.  Monday and Tuesday he just did the final exam, once and then twice, rechecking his answers.  I get tired just watching him.

This past weekend I attended a training class on healing prayer.  There is a group from our church that want to get a prayer team together so we all needed to be on the same page in terms of how to go about it.  Another pastor from a local Covenant church taught it, so we all went, and were blessed by the process.  We have two more weekends to attend before we are officially commissioned as prayer warriors, but I certainly won't wait for that to start praying.  Actually, most of what was taught, I already knew, but it was still time well spent and it's exciting to see how many people want to deepen their prayer life at our church. 

Apparently the extra blood now flowing through Kory's heart hasn't helped his ability to think clearly – either that or his head is just so hard the blood can't go there no matter what.  He was told by his cardiologist to lay low for three days after his stents were put in, not lift anything, and take it easy for about a week.  After the week was over, he could then start to slowly exercise and get back in shape.  Well, against doctor's advice and a screaming wife, he decided after just two days at home he was feeling so good he thought he'd go for a brisk walk and see if he could bring on any angina.  He also lifted some heavy saws and wood and started working on projects.  Up to that point, the place where they inserted the needle in his leg was nearly invisible, with no bruising or swelling, but of course, after his brisk walk and all that lifting, he did some damage.  I think he jostled the plug out of place and his thigh turned black and swelled up with all the blood that was spurting around under his skin.  What was he thinking?  I thought I would have to take him to the ER but we called the consulting nurse, and she said he had to lie down and put ice and pressure on it.  She also told him he wasn't supposed to be that active, and I heard him say something like, “You sound like my wife...”  The next day I could see the bleeding had stopped and the blood was diffusing, but I couldn't get him off the couch for a week.  It scared him a little, but I'm sure it won't do much regarding his ability to listen to his wife.

A few days ago he started putting a new wood floor down in our upstairs kitchen, which is light work since I'm doing all the heavy lifting.  The man goes crazy without a thing to do.  While I appreciate his efforts, and his need to “surprise” me with this project, I question the timing of it right before the holidays – since our upstairs is now a complete wreck and I can’t even get to my auxiliary refrigerator, which I desperately need right now.

But Kory has his good points and while he was lying down recovering from his bleeding leg, he read a book I bought him last year on how to paint watercolors.  Previously he’s only done line drawings, so one day this past week he picked up all the supplies that he needed to do his first water color, which ended up being very professional looking and I'm most impressed.  He just read in a book how to do it and sat down one night and did it.  (See photo of the photo I took he worked from and the water color he made from it below).  That man is talented, and not just in his many ways to infuriate me.  It helps balance the part of him that's difficult to live with.

That’s what’s new in our world.  No one said life was going to be easy.

Miracles and Hallelujahs!

The dreaded day is finally behind me.  Kory had his scheduled angiogram yesterday and I was half expecting him to die on the table, and if not that, then at least need bypass surgery as a result of what they found.  It just seemed too easy and too sweet and not logical at all if all he needed were stents, because we’ve known he’s been 99% blocked in his left main descending artery for over six years.  Time doesn’t really heal those kinds of wounds.  I was preparing for the worst, and just trusting God to hold me up for whatever outcome it would be.  When I woke up yesterday morning I said, ‘OK, God, you promise to be the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless, so here we go…”  Needless to say, I was sorely mistaken in my expectations for what God had in store and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the outcome.  It was truly miraculous.

I was blessed with the company of some good friends so I didn’t have to sit through the morning alone.  My friend Paula, from Colorado, has been here the last few days so she went with us to the hospital.  Sharon, another friend from church, arrived soon after we did and our friend John (aka, Kaleb’s “personal life coach”) showed up as well.  We passed the hours with all kinds of stories and I’m sure, entertained (and/or annoyed) the others in the waiting room as well.

When the cardiologist came out to tell us all exactly what went on, he kept using the word, “Lucky” over and over again.  “He is a lucky guy…. I was lucky to be able to…. It was lucky this and lucky that…”  I finally had to interrupt him and say, “You may call it ‘lucky,’ but I call it ‘answered prayer.’”  His eyebrows raised and he continued on….  As it turned out, he tried to get a wire into Kory’s artery from one end, but the plaque had calcified so much, the wire just bent and it wouldn’t go in.  He was 100% blocked.  He snaked the wire up over his heart and tried to go in from the other side, but the wire bent again. 100% blocked again.  He said when he sees as much collateral circulation as Kory had, he knew he’d been clogged up for many years and “it’s never a good sign.”  He was sure he’d have to pull out and order up bypass surgery.  But, he said, he saw a little “nipple” on the side of the blocked artery and he thought since he’d tried to get the wire in every way possible and couldn’t, he might just see if there was any chance he’d find a soft spot in that.  It took some finagling to direct the wire to that tiny little spot and when the wire penetrated, he thought it had just punctured through the outside of the artery wall because he couldn’t believe it himself that the wire was able to enter down into the artery since it was so hardened.  It was the miracle of all miracles, right then and there.  He was able to slip in a balloon and stretch out the blockage enough to get two long stents in, side by side, about two and a half inches long.  He seemed genuinely surprised by the whole procedure and especially the outcome.  Me, too!

Sharon, who all morning had been telling me that God told her it was going to be a “Victorious Day,” stood there listening to the doctor with the smuggest smirk on her face and a countenance that just said, “I told you so.”  John reminded me to hug the doctor and Paula and I were shouting “Hallelujah.”  It was surreal.  I had so much adrenalin going through my body I felt like I would melt once I realized he wasn’t going to need bypass surgery.  Being thankful doesn’t even come to close to expressing how I feel even now.  

It’s all been about obedience for me.  We try to listen to the voice of God and obey His leading.  People thought we were crazy to not do any medical intervention all those years ago, but God didn’t lead in that way, until now.  And I still don’t know all the reasons why the wait was important, but I do know that in that time Kory has done a lot of soul searching and changes to his lifestyle.  I know that stents and bypass surgery have a sort of ‘shelf life’ in that they don’t last forever, so maybe it was just to buy extra time before THAT clock started ticking, or maybe we had to wait until we got a surgeon who had the skill (he’s the ‘best’ we’re told) and would hear the nudging of God’s voice to try something out of the ordinary to place a stent.  I’m pretty sure six years ago they would have done a bypass, so I’m thankful we were spared that recovery time.  I’m hoping we never have to face that, but I know if we do, it will be at God’s leading and just like yesterday, he’ll get us through it lickety split.

Kory’s doing well – just lying down for a few days so the plug they put in his leg doesn’t pop out so he won’t bleed to death (yikes.)  He has a lot of color in his face and now I’m hoping his brain starts working again – I’ve blamed many of his lacks in judgment on not getting enough oxygen rich blood to his brain, but maybe now I’ll discover that it’s just the way he is, tee hee.

Everything else that happened this week, pales in comparison.